5 reasons not to read this post...

1. You are an intelligent person and no intelligent person ever falls for a headline that starts with “5 Reasons…” However, if you clicked your way here by accident or you’re just a little absent minded today and have started reading this, you can stop reading here before you get to reason number two. No harm done.

2. “5 Reasons” doesn’t really cut it anyway. If five were a good number for a set of things then there would only be five commandments, five days in the week and five men in a football team. To be honest “five” sucks. You can argue for it on the basis of fingers on the hand, but hey, I only see four. That stubby thing is a thumb not a finger.

3. If you’ve got as far as this, then you probably got drunk last night and you aren’t exactly absorbing the words. You’re consciousness is somewhere else completely. So accusing you of reading these words is technically inaccurate and probably slanderous. If you aren’t in such a damaged state then there’s almost no way to excuse you. Take it from me, this blog posting has no content whatsoever. It doesn’t prove anything and it has no artistic merit. It is not important, or relevant or meaningful. So for “chris-sake” stop reading it.

4. You might still be reading this if you “skim”. Know what I mean? You read the first few words of each block of text and then skip onto the next block. I do that sometimes. Anyway, if that’s the case then you won’t have got as far into this block of text as this sentence, so I’m not addressing you anyway. But if anyone out there is still reading this, then I hate to tell you, but “reason” number four isn’t even a reason. That’s right. This blog posting is completely bogus and fundamentally dishonest, because it claims to deliver 5 reasons for something and it doesn’t.

5. I know. There are people who are out there who will have read all the way through to here just because the headline told them not to. You poor contrary souls. There really is nothing here to read. No content. What can I say? I can’t help you. Some of you are probably pedants. If so, you may be irate with me because you’ve thought about reason 4—and this has caused you to read on with gritted teeth. Reason 4 claims not to be a reason, but actually it is a reason. If one of my happy family of five reasons is bogus and fundamentally dishonest—then it is not—because it surely is a reason to ignore this posting completely, even if it claims not to be. Well done pedants! By the way, this reason, reason number five, makes no such claim and yet is a justification for nothing.